Born on the same day as me, 27th August, Mother Teresa I could say, almost have the same personal crisis as I have.
It is on Thursday, this week, that I know, that, I am not alone, and there are people like me around too.
I am not trying to condemn Mother Teresa, nor trying to tarnish the good dees that she have so much done to the world.
Like Mother Teresa, we are both share a comment personality. We are a hippocrates.
"Jesus has a very special love for you,'' she assured Van der Peet. "[But] as for me, the silence and the empiteness is so great, that I look and do not see,-Listen and do not hear- the tongue moves [in prayers] but do not speak... I wanr you to pray for me- that I let Him have [a] free hand"(Times Magazine,September 2007)
If I were to ever write a letter like Mother Teresa did, to someone i trusted most in my life, it would go..
Everyday, everynight, I hope, I wish, I beg, for tomorrow, a better day awaits me.
Feeling alone, feeling empty, feeling lonely, I wish there were more people like you.
People that knew me, me and out, deep and shallow, up and down.
I am so sick, of putting up a face for everyone to see, as each passing moment, is where reality lose it way, more and more.
Food taste like water, hunger is like stuffness,
Nothing seems to be the way, it used to be.
I'm so darn driven to succeed in my studies, I begin to realize the simple joy in life.
I used to be so happy, even though it is the smallest things in life.
Easy to say, I am easily pleased.
However, recently, I feel like, I am going into a war with myself.
I've studied so much, so hard, yet, I don't think I'm going to make it!
Every second that I have, every joy that I've enjoyed, I invested it into you, study.
The most terrible thing is, for every second, effort, energy that I've invested,
I worry that, at the end of the day, I failed, and all these investment goes to waste.
And, so, a positive feedback mechanism drives me up, and it goes on and on.
I don't think I can coupe with myself anymore.
Food taste like water, because, I have no time too chew,
No time for food, I got used to hunger.
Sleep turns into the only time, I have for myself.
That if, I do not dream I am in a lecture or doing my tutorials, or even thinking how to solves my tutorial questions.
Help me someone, Help me. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to see, when to touch, how to speak.
I tell people to do good, I advise people to stay happy, but, I myself feels like shit, I myself feels unhappy. I tell people not to cry, I tell people not to give up, but, myself, I'm trying so hard not to, and some part of me, have already started to give up.
People always say, I'll never walk alone, yet, I've never felt, I was followed by anyone.
I always wondered, what am I doing here, at this moment. What is my purpose in life?
I've never done anything great. I've never made humanity a better place.
For startes, I cant even make myself happy.
I feel like shit dear someone. I seriously feel the end is near for me.
I need a place to unwind, express my feelings.
However, my arrogant is killing me.
I shall never never ever fall as low to express my true feelings, cry nor give up.
But, somepart in me, wishes it too.
CREW my problem dear Someone.
I SHALL WALK ON! and I SHALL WALK LONG!
and, I SHALL NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!
GOD, GUIDE ME ALONG THIS MESSY PATH!
*Unfortunately, Dear Someone will never be there.
* Hwei Ming is going crazy!